Women: Why Being Nice is Killing Your Career

2015-05-28 hrbank

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You know that saying 'nice guys finish last'?

I think it should be changed to nice girls finish last.

You see, all this niceness gets in the way of our internal 'value calculator', or what we each believe gives us value as humans. When our value calculator computes in our minds as being intrinsically attached to our behaviour, instead of our skills, knowledge, or experience, the result is an unfortunate devaluing of ourselves and what we bring to the table.

And, when we devalue ourselves as a whole, we undervalue what we are able to achieve which negatively affects how others view us, making opportunity and reaching our full potential nearly impossible.

There is nothing wrong with being nice. But, there is something wrong with the feeling that we must be nice instead of being who we actually are.

We hear so much about how women in business have such a hard time getting ahead, being taken seriously, reaching their goals, or progressing into leadership. I believe that all this niceness that we women are so damn attached to, is the core of why success appears to often be just beyond our reach.

Because we expect ourselves to be...nice...and we expect other women to be... nice...so, too do men in business expect us to be nice, thereby making it more difficult for them, and ourselves, to take us seriously. After all, if we have no room in our own own minds for behaviour that is honest and appropriate even if its not nice, how can we expect others to?

Don't get me wrong, here. I'm not suggesting we all go out and be bitches all day long, leaving a wake of hurt feelings and frustration in our path. Not at all! We need to have good character. Having and demonstrating good character is key to valuing yourself and others and its key to acting in ways that are respectful and kind, no matter the circumstances.

But niceness isn't character. Its a behaviour. And, for many women, its a behavioural veil that they hide behind in order to conceal what they really think and feel.

Think of this: Because we as women believe that the value of other women around us, such as our boss, coworkers or employees, is measured by how nice they behave toward us or others, we devalue everything else about them; and, if we are devaluing other women and ourselves, AND other women are devaluing themselves and each other...OMG! You can see the nasty cycle it creates.

So, stop it. Stop. Being. So. Nice.

True example: I wrote a blog post a few days ago titled "A Message to Women in Business: Its Okay to Love Money". In it, I said 'bullshit' a few times. After I published it, I worried. I worried a lot: I second-guessed myself and thought that my honesty and my realness would be too much for professional women and that they would judge me when they knew I used a swearword. I was so tempted to go back in and edit my post, to take out 'bullshit' for something else...more nice.

But, I forced myself not to succumb to the niceness-veil. I actually stood in my office, and spoke out loud to myself and said "No! Don't do it. Don't succumb to someone else's opinion of who you should be, of how you should behave. Just be you." And, in 3 days, I've had over 2000 people read that entry, with over 190 likers and 23 comments... all positive. Moral of the story is that its better to be real before being nice.

There may be times when its appropriate to modify behavior to suit a set of circumstances or to show respect for others in your presence. But, most times, business women need to avoid being nice first and real last. Instead, we need to share our honest thoughts and abilities and just be who we are.

I am a business woman, and sometimes I'm not nice.

Kare Jacoba is the CEO of just-launched LeadQuest, offering short term business development, lead generation, and sales contracts to business owners and professionals in a variety of industries. If you hate making cold calls or aren't sure how to generate leads, we'll do it for you! Get in touch: karejacoba@leadquest.co 250 739 3146

Women, Why Being Nice is Killing Your Career